What is it that I want for Valentine's Day? Not change I scream!
As he packs his bags to leave for his trip it's me who stands there with a blank stare on my face as.......he kisses me good-bye and whispers, "quit if you want!"
I had placed them through-out his clothes secretly hiding them in pockets.......I wanted to write my own Valentine's!
What is it that I love? A clean house..................more organization?
What about my heart? What does God see when He looks inside? Maybe it's God who is removing the dead places in me.
It's a new hospital..........but a hospital just the same...............God changing my paths.............me wanting out.....looking for an escape route.........feeling like I can't find my place in this world...............wanting to simply RUN!
Everything changed and opened a new this week! And I am not capable of stepping out of the boat.(me of so little faith)
I feel like a spoiled brat........Can I really cry the hard because I don't want to do this anymore?............It was the girl brought to me from surgery who has the nothing left but PAIN to endure.
She who has lost everything with the stage 4 cancer that started in her rectum.......moved to her colon.........then to her brain, liver and lungs. It is the all over............and it's me who screams that I only had a 15 min break in 14 hours! Can I really look at her covered up in pain from the bowel that no longer works? Can I really look at her with tears in my eyes because I simply want to be at home? For what? Who am I wonder? I don't think I really know...........because at the end of the day the laundry still piles and there are still crumbs on the counter and beds unmade............and it's then that I remember A perfect organized house is not soul winning...............it's not where the sick and the dying are. It's not the kind of servant-hood Jesus is looking for.
He didn't leave us here on this earth to be saved and sanctified...........He left us here to be at work in service to Him. Our life of service to God is our way of saying; "Thank you for our salvation!"
He wants us to be the CHANGE we want to see in the world!
I am the sad because it's God who is moving me..........changing me...............molding me into something I don't want! I close my eyes and I try to praise Him........but the words don't seem to come..............maybe I am in bondage...............and it's me, (infested with self) who keeps me there! Maybe I am scared to admit it............is God really good all the time? And He whispers to me..........."I am entrusting you with much." And for those whom much is entrusted much more is demanded! And it's then that the enemy whispers in my ear...........run........run and never look back at any hospital...............It's you with many degrees you can do anything you want...........Why stay at the hospital where people are dying?............. Where feces is running off the bed? Where vomit hits you in the face?.......where some patients throw their bed-pans at you..........cuss you..... expose you to their diseases......their infections.........some that have no cure............RUN!
RUN from the long shifts with no breaks.......from the day that never ends!
But it all stops when I look into their eyes..........and it's His face that I see...........hurting...........suffering...........stripped of all dignity....I see a Creator who became His creation only to ......... feel pain..........to know suffering........to taste death............so that we would never have too. It's then that I see a change in their eyes..........when you tell them about the blood of the Lamb who is a river of infinite grace...........I see their eyes change...........right there in a cold dark hospital room........a glimpse of hope...........as if His very presence swoops down in that room and our ever present God who's voice is louder than any enemies........who is willing to offer a drink from the living waters for anyone who thirsts for Him. And I don't understand why He would chose me..............someone who craves the easy....who doesn't know suffering...........who only wants to run...........but I slip my hand in hers.........she is only 47.................she looks at me the strange and it's me who has something to say........and I risk it....I tell her; "that in the midst of a world of pain it is a subject for praise in every place!" "That our souls were never created to LOVE the dust of this earth!" For there is power in the blood of Calvary!......(quoted from ;the valley of vision-prayer book)
Maybe getting out of the boat is to testify to the hurt and the dying that God is long suffering!
Psalm 86:15;
15But thou, O Lord, art a God full of compassion, and gracious, long suffering, and plenteous in mercy and truth.
God is forever moving..........refusing to stand still even for a moment.... sometimes asking us to get out of the boat even when it's uncomfortable or hard.........because we serve a God who is looking to and fro for anyone who will TRUST Him or............have FAITH in Him.................or someone willing to keep their eyes on Him! Wanting to show us through pain.............through suffering...........a piece of Him...........His goodness.............His grace.................and to know that even bad things can be used.......for our good........and His glory even when we can't see it!
I beg to breath............in grace...........His grace for all to be well within my soul!
It is simple really we only need to step out of the boat into the unknown.......uncharted waters diving deep into His promises and fulfillment's. Join me want you?
Jeremiah 29:11;
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
all of grace,
Robbie
