I am open now.........to the heaviness......of life.
I am infested...........with a cult of self! But wanting to be more; "Christ Like!"
My own thoughts exploding with possibilities.......of yearning to make a difference in the world.
The weight of it all pushes me down............and it's He that whispers......."I have entrusted you with much." So much will be demanded.
I seriously think about surrender.........but I am not sure if it is possible.
MOVE on I hear him whisper.............move forward.
It's in the early dawn I just want to lay back down and pull the covers over my head. Visions dance of a large white sheet flapping in the wind...............with me screaming.........."I give up............I surrender!"
At the end of a long two days at work I am forever changed.
She's 24................and she has two kids............3 and 5. They thought she had a vertigo issue so they gave her medicine. But instead it's a tumor the kind with fingers............growing into her brain stem.
I nuzzled my face into her neck. The surgery is today and she could die.
I kiss her forehead and rub her back. I tell her of a Jesus who saves..............and she begs me not to leave her.
Her speech is garbled and it's hard to understand................the tumor is pushing hard on the brain stem.
Her mouth starts to droop mimicking a stroke victim all the while the pain is starting to spiral out of control.
Just when I think it couldn't get any worse she goes blind and now her world is black. She can't see any of us anymore and it is then that she looses it.
Jesus I whisper......help her. I murmur prayer over her and nothing really comes so we all just cry.
Why me? I scream. But I do it anyway because; God is Love and Love is God!
We are filled so we can spill out................His love! Does it hurt this bad because we love? Is this seeing people through His eyes? The scales are starting to fall from my very own eyes. I am scared and unsure if I truly want to see.
I have been blessed in so many ways.............and it is at this moment I have been chosen to endure the pain...............the pain of feeling love for a complete stranger and feeling scared for her as if she was my own child.
Some days my vision is blurred from other's pain.............and it is then that I forget to find the gratitude in everything..... that every moment is from Him......if only I could see...... (maybe it's me who is choosing not to see.)
Tomorrow or next week I will forget...........someone else will come through that hospital hurting, maybe dying. I will struggle to find the right words to encourage.
The hospital can be a place where somehow the trauma of people's past come back to haunt them.....but I tell them to fight to hold on to the goodness of God. God is here in this mess.......and He knows pain and suffering! He did it for us.
Life can be messy at times and for some reason through it all Jesus is there. Showing His goodness in our trials of life. If we would just look up keeping our eyes on Him through it all.
He who lived only to die!
Could I ? Could you? Live only to die to self? To spill out His LOVE?
He died for you and for me? Can we not spend a little of ourselves on others this Holiday season?
The more you stretch..........yourself for others.........for complete strangers is where you will see His face!
all of grace,
Robbie
