These last few weeks have felt like my fists were clenched the tight....... an inner battle was taking place..........a struggle for my very own soul........with me being my own worst enemy!
Is it wrong for me to pray daily for love for the Father? Isn't this the greatest commandment of all? So how? How do we love the Lord God with all of our heart, soul and mind?
Maybe it's the me who is terrified of the fullness of JOY! Maybe this is where I want to live....afraid of what obedience might bring....? afraid to see the beauty in suffering.....I know suffering and sorrow........and pain....it is my job I see it every week. Is this why my fists have been clenched the tight lately? Maybe you haven't had a person who is dear to you struck by a terminal disease, or a tragic accident.....and if you haven't one day you might....and you may cry out "where are you God?"
Some days I feel HIM.....feel His incredible sweet presence.......and it's then that I want to fall down at His feet and grab hold of His cloak.....and cry out "Jesus," son of David have mercy on me. Holding on for dear life..............wanting so much to be pleasing to Him. To know Him, long for Him.........(please help me Jesus with any area of my unbelief!) I want to learn to live resurrected with Him.....I am a broken mama...............a broken friend........a broken daughter......with a broken down body, soul and mind. So how------How can I love you with all of me?
As I drove to work Tuesday not knowing what would be thrown my way......I prayed even though I didn't feel him I kept telling myself -"by faith." It was then when I sat down that I saw him...........him who looked like he hadn't eaten in days.............he was my age but looked much older........the chemo had taken it's toll.........and this man was suffering.
He had stage 4 cancer in the throat..............there was nothing else they could do.........it had spread everywhere.....he was the waiting..............and suffering. Where is the beauty in ashes?
As I had to wipe the feces from his body because he was too weak to do it for himself I asked him if he was OK? He mumbled, " he was sorry for what I had to do for him." There was the no pride..............me with my prideful self.............he was the definition of humility...where was my humbleness when a friend hurt my feelings? Scripture doesn't lie..........only the humble will see God.
For two days I wiped feces and cleaned the vomit off the floor.........the very smell of food would send him spinning and gaging...........is this it?....I thought to myself........Is this all I can do for him?
Obedience........is all I have. Trying to trust.........wanting so badly to see..............see beauty in ashes. I murmur it quiet on the way home...............my thank yous to the king.....for using a broken down woman such as me! I am no longer praying for what path God has for me? No longer am I praying for what HE can do for me? My path has been made clear......it is not for me to be the next, "Beth Moore." (who I absolutely love); Not for me to see how many good church activities that I can throw myself in.......it has been right in front of me this whole time and I didn't even realize it. My call is to live right here in the middle of "Babylon," refusing to eat and drink from the kings table and to resolve. By resolving I mean to; "bend the lower." Bend the lower to wipe the feces from the patients and tell them that Jesus loves them............bend the lower to wipe vomit and tell them it is ok that Jesus sees your pain and sufffering.................he himself suffered.
So what does it mean to love the Lord your God with all of your heart, soul and mind?
You love God with your HEART by loving Him will all of your emotions.(where-ever you are)
You love God with your Soul by loving Him will all of your the powers at your disposal.(Where has he placed you? Your path could be right in front of you) You love God with your mind by using your BRAIN!
It is simple: "YOU SERVE."
He came to be a servant..........He who bent the lowest of the low. He lived only to die for messy us. So how much is it to ask that we die to self daily? Praying everyday that maybe I could spill out his grace that has been so generously poured out on me!
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all of grace,
Robbie
so thankful today;
for cleaning out attics
sweating in the 100 degree heat
birthday dinner for teen
clean closets
church service that makes you think
sunlight glistening in the trees
bird's nest in plants
Sunday dinners
softball practice starting up again
school projects in the summer
prayer time
giving thanks
seeing God in the everyday
paint chipping off the doors
baby turtle teen brings home
moving all the fish in the house to one tank! (praise God)
a lab who looks for me at the prayer bench
candles
summer storms
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