It all started out so good today with the Church activities and praises the ones where the hands were held the high.......at one moment feeling.............as if I was washed in His blood. I squeeze the steering wheel the tight as my tears turn into sobs. I am the broken......I am the one who wants to do good but I don't.....it's the tongue that whips out words that pierce the hard and it's me who aims for their hearts. Maybe it's the me who is too broken to be fixed.
It's always the tone that wakes the sleeping lion............the flesh. Her words come at me fast and at first I hold my tongue.... then it's the ugly sin that comes and my tongue whips back the hard.....and our whole day is wrecked............it goes all the way back to Adam and Eve in the garden. They to listened to the lies of the evil one.(as he told them that God was a liar)
Why is it that I think it is my job to hang on to my Salvation?
Salvation is a GIFT. It is free, and Praise God there is nothing we can do to earn it, hang on to it or even get rid of it!
I drove the fast and sobbed the harder with the no-where to go. Thinking if only I could.......?
I would......? I felt broken with a contrite heart? Is this the fullness that Jesus ordered?
Wanting so badly to run.......but with the no-where to go. Wondering if Daniel felt that way in Babylon. Daniel RESOLVED....knowing that was the only way to Grace.
I am a rebel running hard who keeps the rejecting............rejecting the one true way-Jesus. Sometimes panting hard after him........but at the same time listening..........to the lies of the evil one.
Maybe it's the me that enjoys rolling around in the UGLY? After all I earned it.
Our pastor talked today about his own battles these last few weeks....he said he felt at times he was standing in the Ocean and wave after wave kept hitting him knocking him over...... not even letting him catch his breath.....he told us that this was the worst spiritual battle he had ever been through. Telling us how God would use our weaknesses to make us strong. The tears stung my eyes because lately I have felt like I am swimming upstream against a strong current and going the nowhere.
It's then that I grow tired and weary.........and then it's the replay in my mind of everything I have ever done.....how I can't get it right......... thinking HOW? How could God love me?.....me a women with a past? A mother who's tongue stabs the hearts of the one's she loves.
Raising my own flesh and blood is sometimes about ME looking in the mirror....... and all I see is the dirty........ starring back at me. It is me that has been listening to the hissing of the serpent saying (God has not forgiven you).
It's then that I realize what dying the flesh daily is truly about.
Why can't we except that we DON'T have a past in CHRIST?
Woe is me...........the one with the unclean lips.... but my Redeemer lives.
Although my stomach growls from the lack of food in my stomach it is now that I realize my emptiness is far deeper than I could have ever imagined.
I am starved for Him........and His righteousness. I beg for more "grace," please.
I continue to cry over my "sin," in my me-ism little world as I drive back home..........running hard up the stairs to hold a teen as I ask for forgiveness.
In a world that constantly bombards us with pressures to CONFORM we must remember....."he who has called you is faithful"......and His grace gives us the desire and the power to be HOLY.
Our God is a good God.....He loves us! The past that keeps playing through my mind is not from Him....it is from Satan. I know I am not where I need to be but praise God I am not where I used to be.
Through Salvation we are saved in Christ! He saved us before we even knew we needed to be saved.
all of grace,
Robbie
Keeping on giving thanks for His Amazing Grace:
Seeing and hugging Ann VosKamp in person and being able to tell her how much God has used her to change my life.
Clothes everywhere for my sweet Belarus child to take home.
Snow boots that she will need
A warm fuzzy blanket to take back to her mom
Clean Sheets
A new clothes line
A brother who will answer the phone late
A nephew who cries the hard for me
Fresh squeezed lemonade
Hamburgers on the grill
Home with my family
waking up in my bed
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