Why is it that I have been chosen to witness the dying? I can sometimes smell the stench...the stench of death......my 13 year old asked me tonight if I thought God was a little selfish? 
I look at her the woman-child who has grown so beautiful and I think to myself: "Have I failed you?" "Where have I gone wrong?" There were the days when I was living the tired all the time and I was short......the kind of short with the power of words.
Life is raw sometimes muddy sometimes dirty but it continues to flow until it reaches its destination..............flows until the clogged up part stops us like a road block stopping us- dead.............dead in our tracks.
"Living water,"............I keep going back to the well.....................the well of "living.....living water." Genesis 21:19
19 Then God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water. So she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink.
What am I giving to my girls to drink? Is it the living kind? The living water?
Doesn't the God who is omnipotent provide us with the water everywhere?
But how? how do I make myself and these teens drink? Drink from the well of living water?
How easily we forget in this life.......forget what God has done for us! I am blinded but do I really want to see? the tail spin of life..... the emptiness of it all................emptiness is what I feel when another looses their life? As I stand there in the door-way of a hospital room to someone who is terminal and I feel the nothing......Is it the nothingness that I stay in because it's safe and I am protected from the caring.....because does it really matter anyway? Maybe I am wearing my nothingness to HIDE all my sadness............
Although the water is there...........you have to want it...........you have to want to drink of the living water.............you have to want to never thirst again...........God can and will show us the well.........but it is us who has to do the drinking.......in His generous grace..........He who is the living waters is offering........offering us a drink.......a taste of heaven.
Will we drink?
Praying that I don't forget..... what God has done.......praying not to feel such emptiness - wanting to get rid of the emptiness ............even if it is all I know........and praying for me the wretched mama to stop trying to see through the eyes of reason..................I lay my hand on the woman-child and gently take her face into my hands and I remind her that God is a good God and his goodness is full of grace.................and that we are to cling to his goodness
and I gently whisper how can I help these girls that you have entrusted to me if I can't even see?
praying..............open the eyes of my heart Lord..........I want to see what you see!
all of grace,
Robbie
(a quiet repost, while Amy and I are in the ICU's today. Thank you for your grace)
