The cross that gives and takes away...................
My girls when they were little............the time that want stand still...........
A best friend...........(the blond my oldest)...................
My middle child...............how time changes everything................ At the 1:30am the phone rings.............I sit straight up....... the ringing continues..........I wipe the eyes that are blurry......I answer my heart pounding right out of me............. the screaming from the other side can barely make it out..............then something inside of me says breath child............breath......knowing its the breathing in of pain that gets us....................and then it hits me........................she is on my front porch....................I jump up and start the running.........it feels like I can't get there............I am moving in slow motion...............all the while I am praying................no God no........more of the easy...............just the easy.............I can't get the locks to undo and I realize it is me the taker the one who craves the easy that has completely come undone.........
I open the door and pull her inside at the same time catching her before she collapses...........the best friend........thanking God that all mine are here in the upstairs sleeping...........the wailing the deepest kind..........the pain that engulfs.............
a 16 boy in my daughter's class......a baseball player......................loss control of his car............the innocent kind...........the pain that no mom should bear......................just a few miles from my house .................the over-turned kind........ the man-child that got out and walked before collapsing in a neighbors yard.....................the breath leaving him............the high-school that will never be the same.................
What does it mean? To live fully?
How? How do I explain to teens that He is a good God?
What do I say when they ask me where was God?
the best friend ..................not sure of the God thing..........but has chose to come on Thursday nights..............the woman-child........... who has lost a friend unable to breath......... the pain................... how do we wake up to the joy and the beauty in this life when a police officer is on the front porch of a neighbor telling her that her son will never come home again......................the emptying again.................the crushing ache of the pain that forces us to move on................................how?
I don't sleep the rest of the night............I lay there listening to my own breathing................fear rushes over me....................I go numb..........................a parent..............a child.......................why have I been so spared.......................me who craves the easy and when I pray it's all about the me.........and my own........in my safe little middle-class life style.................throwing the prayers at God like He some kind of dart board......................my eyes that are blinded always focused on the me..............and mine........................
We the church are supposed to be the light of the world.......................but yet we are covered up with materialism.............. the false doctrine.............the feel good kind............
we go through life and pretend that it is what it is.........................................we think if it isn't happening right under our roof then we can continue to live the counterfeit life.........
Satan doesn't care how many bible studies I teach.......................or how many spiritual retreats I attend.......if it keeps me on that spiritual treadmill to nowhere................running in place................wanting the look good on the outside......and the feel good on the inside.................
.it's the time.............time to stop the whining.........it is not all about me........there are people the dying kind..........that do not know our King.................
we sit in the dark....................we breath in the pain......................................the both of us trying.................trying to exhale.........................and I whisper to the woman-child..............go upstairs and sleep...................................tomorrow will bring forth change...................the surrendering kind.............where the knees are bowed the low......................and all I can hear within my soul is a whisper ever so gently saying:
27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. ( John 14:27)
quietyly thanking God;
for a chance to start over
for His grace and mercy
simplicity
teenagers that slam the front door
the Cross
the blood that covers sin
grateful that His ways are not our ways..........
