The first thing the enemy does in your soul:
CREATE CONFUSION.......
How many times has it gone through my head in the last few days?
1) Am I the person I should be?
2) I am not worthy to approach God!
My prayer on the way to work one Friday: Please God let me be like Abraham, take me out of my comfort zone. Give me the patient you want me to have today Lord. Let me be a blessing to them. Let me stand before you today Father and bear good fruit...
Right after my prayer...pure fear came over me..........I wished I hadn't prayed that prayer. Why? Maybe unbelief? Maybe lack of Trust? I have felt the enemy stepping it up with me last week. I have had confusion, which has brought fear, which then brings weakness and this is when the enemy strikes and hits you below the belt...
Before going into work I had a long hot shower. My hair was clean. My clothes were fresh and as I sat down to get report from the nurse I happened to glance in my patient's room that I was getting, and I knew instantly that this was not going to be good.
Where is my trust? Is my trust dependent on God taking me out of my comfort zone as long as it isn't dangerous???? Is it OK for God to take me out of my comfort zone as long as it is easy? The look on my face as I was getting report was painful.......
This was my report:
1st pt: 20 year old female, pregnant with her 4th child when she first came into the hospital, and unsure of a diagnosis at this point (lots of symptoms that didn't seem to fit any one diagnosis). She has been unable to be taken off of the breathing machine and now has a trach. She has had what we would call a "rough" start in life, with lots of areas and decisions that she has made up to this point that have not been the best ones (from the way we see it). She has several infections that cannot be touched with antibiotics because all of the different infections that she has are now resistant to these antibiotics (because of the multitude of antibiotics that she has already been on to try and fight these infections)..............Her kidneys are now also shutting down and this is requiring her to be on dialysis. She needed a blood transfusion because of some bleeding in her lungs which have caused her hemoglobin level to drop. She also has lupus, and her body looks like the body of an 80 year old because of all of the medical complications she has faced just over the past few months. There is a lot of blood coming out from her trach site, which is HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS!!! So I must be very careful......
2nd pt: 50 year old, heavy smoker who came in for shortness of breath, dying with lung cancer that has metastisized all over his body. At this point, there is nothing they can do for him but send him home with hospice. The wife remains at the bedside. They have just been told all of the news and they are devastated.
Hope you have a great day. See you tomorrow.
That was my report..... What am I supposed to do with this? Fear!!! Confusion..... Am I going to catch what this one girl has and take it home to my family? Am I going to get her infections that are resistant to all antibiotics.
Then the nurse says "forgot to tell you...she is on the bed pan every 15 minutes. And she is having LARGE bowel movements each and every time."
I just sat there and wanted to cry. I could feel my eyes starting to water. I thought WOW..... I CAN'T DO THIS... I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS... WHY CAN'T I BE A STAY HOME MOM!!! I want to be back in my comfort zone at this point, but I also want God to use me?????
Then the nurse (I never thought she was going to leave) preceded to tell me about her code status and how her family never come to see her. No friends, no family... she is all alone...
I looked at her through the glass window and saw this pale child-like figure. She had freckles and looked like a baby. I could not believe that this child had children of her own. I wondered if she would ever see them again. Then I thought how unfair life had been to her. No matter what she had done, she did not deserve this. Then I prayed for God to give me the strength to be a good nurse to her. Because with everything in me I wanted to run.......
Why do I want to run away from the very thing that I ask God to do in my life?
Fear and confusion are not from God..... Confusion comes when we are trying to figure something out instead of taking it to God and laying it at his feet. I just kept staring at her, thinking "I don't want to go in there". Confusion came...then fear....Fear took root and grew. This is where the enemy wants to take us. Sitting around, thinking about it, and talking about it only breeds fear... It basically drains our faith.. This is true with anything in our lives. Talking about your issues constantly only drains your faith.. Take it to the Lord and leave it at the foot of the cross. We need to start believing the Word of God. We need to memorize scripture!!! It IS the sword in this dark world. We must shut our mouths and stop our stinking thinking and stand on the word of God.
GREATER IS HE WHO IS IN YOU, THAN HE WHO IS IN THE WORLD...... Satan is roaring around like a prowling Lion waiting to devour us. If we don't know the word of God we will fall prey. The guilt that I felt for my thoughts on that Friday of not wanting to go into that room haunted me until church on the following Sunday. Pastor talked about how good we feel for God one minute and then the next we feel like we have failed him. Disappointed him again. But time and time again God is right there cheering for us, longing for us to come to him and through our weakness He is made strong. Not by my might but by His super-natural strength....
I did go in that room and for two days I was caring for this child. By the time my shift was over on that Saturday, I wasn't even wearing a mask and goggles. I was no longer letting fear grip me. I decided...I am going to trust the one who loves me. His word tells me everything I need to know. Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I WILL FEAR NO EVIL.............God doesn't want us to try and fix it. He knows we are not capable... He remembers that we are dust.... He forgives us every time we repent and turn from our evil ways. Pastor said, He forgets what we remember and remembers what we forget...... We forget that we are weak, God doesn't. We remember when we fail God.... God doesn't... He forgets the sin that is playing havoc in our lives. We are giving Satan that foothold. Jesus died on that cross for us. It broke those chains that enslave us. That hold us captive to our own thoughts. Every time you have a thought that comes to your mind that is not of God, recite scripture and it will set you free every time...
Don't be afraid of the unknown, the scary situations, the uneasy circumstances that God may be placing you in. Don't FEAR the UNCOMFORTABLE. You may be the only light that those "patients" ever see, or the last one that they see...what a blessing to be able to be uncomfortable for God during these times. We don't have to know what to do. We just have to trust that He does...and be willing to walk through the doors. Stop looking through the glass window at the situation and dreading what the rest of the day holds...be humbled, grab hold of God's hand that is reaching out to you, and get in that room. You are placed and can be used for such a time as this. FEAR NOT!!! GET OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE!!!!
So, so tired of being a prisoner in my own mind and being stirred for the uncomfortableness that the Lord has for me,
Robbie
