I ask myself daily what would it be like to be a companion of Jesus today?
But it's me that continues to seek his hands instead of his face......am I simply blinded? By my own flesh.................not able to see his grace that is right in front of me. Maybe I am simply CHOOSING not to see! Especially when there is people hurting it is me that questions the most High God........instead of kneeling on my knees to praise the King.
I so long to love him in a NEW way that pleases him! Learning that up is really down and down is really up when your seeking the most high? Isn't the point to DIE the flesh DAILY?
I walk weekly through the hospital seeing the pain and sometimes death of others. It is then that I question Him who died for us......the one who was fully human and fully God at the same time.......He who sweated BLOOD at the thought of what was ahead! I think about my wavering faith being tossed around in the sea. How unfaithful I have been.
Sometimes I want to scream.........how do I turn it all around? And it is then that I wonder, "who am I to question the King?"
Sometimes the nightmares haunt me of the new widow who had to say good-bye to her husband of 63 years.......the mom who loses her teen that was driving while intoxicated. The son who watched his 77 year old father fall from a 12 story roof......The young mama who is newly diagnosed with stage four cancer and the doctors tell her there is nothing else they can do for her............. the HIV patient who had a stroke and all family and friends have disappeared since the end is near. And I wonder where is God?................... as I run as fast as I can to my car and speed home to take a shower and try SO hard to wash the pain and the smell from my body, mind and soul. Does He see?
It is the me who has cried out in despair I don't want to do this anymore.........but I have been called to be the humble servant to the sick and the hurting. But some days the hurt and pain of others is what blurrs my vision. It is then that I forget...........that I could live every moment as HOLY. Maybe ripping my clothes and putting on sack-cloth would help me to see.
It may be next week or even tomorrow I will forget again........because someone will come through that hospital that rips a hole right through my heart...........it is then I will revert back to choosing to see through the eyes of reason instead of seeing every moment as HOLY.
But for now I am begging please...........more of your grace. And I will say it to you and to me...........God is a good God.....His ways are not our ways...........His thoughts are not our thoughts and for now I will bend the knees and praise the most high King!
all of grace,
Tomorrow Amy and I traveling to Asheville, NC for a prayer retreat.........we have made a commitment to seek......seek.....seek. Daily I have spent time praying for over 300 names of beautiful women who will be there seeking the face of God! Praying hard for us as a group to have our hearts peeled back so far that we are exposed.............the kind where the flesh shows...........wanting more of him in a way I have never known. Asking kindly for your prayers too.
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