Friday, July 8, 2011

Renew me, O God

Ephesians 2:10;
     For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Psalm 51:10;
     Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

      I held his hand gently as he squeezed mine. He has a birthday next week- 93 he will be. His wife gone and he is all alone- very independent until this illness. I watched a tear roll down his face as he told me about his life. I listened as he talked. He talked while I fed him each bite. Each bite chewed slowly, but I didn't care. I gave him my all. Showing him that I truly cared. But why is it when I get home, and my three boys eagerly run to me- I push them away, telling them I'm tired?  As they all three talk at once, I tell them to stop- that I have a headache desperately begging for the quiet.
     How is it that I can give my all  to a complete stranger, and deny my own flesh and blood my time?  I don't understand. I know God wants me to witness to the patients I care for- to show them God lives in my heart. But I know with all my being, that my kids need to see that same thing. They need to see God's love through me. But I am living the tired all the time and they are the ones who are not seeing the Jesus in me!

     At the end of the work day sometimes being there for 16 hours- I am drained- empty with nothing else to give. As I walk out of the unit a couple nights ago,  I heard a family screaming- screaming because they just learned that their loved one was dead- who was a wife- a sister- a mother. I had seen her alive only a couple of hours ago, but only on life support. Her family tried to get to the hospital, but did not make it on time. Emotionally I am drained. I tried not to listen to the cries, (but they haunt me) as I walk down the long hallway to leave. I whispered to one of the nurses as I was leaving to call the Chaplin feeling like I had nothing more to give- begging God please let my boys be fast asleep when I get home.
     I pray for strength, to be renewed each day. For God to create in me a pure heart, a caring heart, a loving heart,  not only for strangers, but for my own family. My family needs to see in me what strangers see.
I know God has me where I am for a reason- I see so many close to death- I hear them as they cry out to Jesus as a last resort- What an opportunity to serve God- through serving  others. I am humbled by what I do- but feeling tired----tired of trying so hard to be everything to everyone. Begging God to please - renew me- create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
In his service,