Oh where have I been? I ask myself that almost daily...in everything that I have my hand in. I ask myself that in my walk with the Father, in my role as a mother, in my blessing of being a wife, in my job as a nurse, and now as a Graduate student. I often wonder where I have been in my life and what do I have to show for it and in what direction am I going and what will I have to show for it when I get there...
Well, life seems to be keeping me very busy lately. My outside life, as I previously knew it, no longer exist. I am consumed with new activities and new roles as the closeness around me starts to change and be molded into something very new, exciting, and ever more scary to my own human eyes. You may be asking what is going on in my life...well, I can't really tell you all of the details because they are much like the details that many of you are panning out in your own life, and if I were to try to write it out or explain it, it wouldn't seem like much. However, the craziness of it all and the newness of it has consumed me and pulled me apart from a lot of the outside, fun world that I once knew.
The question is....am I disappointed? I would have to say, "No, not really". You see, I love my quiet times. I enjoy being consumed with the ones around me that mean the world to me and the ability to pour into another's life that I have been given responsibility for. Now I am not saying that I am a hermit and I've turned my back on the outside world (and for some it may seem that way at times). I just know that I have been called, and placed inside of me are certain duties to fulfill and certain things that I have been placed on this earth to do, and I must complete the tasks that have been layed before me now before I can ever go onto the others that God has in store for me in the future.
See, lately God has taken my focus off of "doing, doing, doing" and put it back on my inner self and my own inner beauty. This is an area that I have always struggled with. I have never seen inner, or really outer beauty, for that matter when I looked at myself in the mirror. I know that I can be cute, but we, as women, could always change something about ourselves. Well, I love who I am on the outside, and of course, I want to change things every now and again (especially around bathing suit season), but right now, I am not happy with some of the things that are on the inside of me. Things that I refused to admit were in me. Things that I swore were not in me....I mean, I've been a Christian for a long time, how could I be struggling with these things? Well, I am...I have some things inside of me that need to be cleaned out so that when I look in the mirror, I am pleased at the image looking back at me because what I am looking at in that mirror is the mirror image of God. Right now, when I look at the mirror, I can't say that is what I see. I may see a small piece of my earlobe that may resemble a small portion of Him, but I want to see His face....I want to see His eyes staring back into mine...I want to see His smile on my lips, and deeper still....I want to see His thoughts flow from my head. See, I don't struggle with the mask thing that Robbie has mentioned that she struggles with at times...I know who I am...and unfortunately, others often know who I am too...they know that what they see when they look at me is what they are going to get....I want them to see Him.
So, God has me at a place of pure cleansing, from the inside...because, my friend, once God cleans me up from the inside, you will be able to see it on the outside. It will be evident. I hope that one day when we meet that you will see Him not just in me, but ON me, around me, and flowing through me...I have a lot of stuff to get rid of...and just as we have posted many times before...it hurts to have someone that you want to impress, someone that you want to be proud of you...to look you in the eyes and say, "Jennifer, it's time to get rid of some of these things that you have held onto for so long now. It's time you let me clean you out."
See, before now, I've gotten by...read my word, prayed my prayers, listened to my praise music, spoke the name of Jesus to others, went to church, asked God to forgive me, thanked Him for every meal that touched my mouth...all of these things are good and we must not forget to do them, but I am at a place where cleansing has to take place in order for me to even live on this earth as the daughter that He has called me to be.
You see, I know that God has his hand on my life. I know that He has placed me where He wants me to be. I know that He has called me to something wonderful. But I am in a process of preparing for that day.
I don't want to get there, with all of the biblical and medical knowledge that I need to do the job, and have the ones that He places before me to look at me and still not be able to see God.
I must be prepared...and God pulls me into a quiet place where I can surrender without any advice from the outside (and I do enjoy the opinions from others), and He places me in a place where I can hear Him when He speaks, where I can see Him when He shows up, where I can depend on Him to guide me instead of others leading me or distracting me. I am a quiet, old sole that needs to be locked up in a silent room so that I can be taught. I love to look around, to be in the middle of the booth next to me's conversation, to know all of the who's and what's about things I'm involved with...I suffer from a distraction of the outside so much that I can't focus on the things right in front of my eyes sometimes. God knows that about me. He knows that in order to get my attention, He has to seclude me from the distractions (and I don't mean this in a bad way- I'm just NOSEY!!!!Okay, I said it). I love life. I love the things of God...His creation, food, friendships, music, football games, you name it...I can put myself in those places and find some type of enjoyment out of it, BUT I need to focus on Him right now. I am getting things in order...trying to get organized...I don't know what all is in store for me...But I do know that I have to start working towards it.
I want to always be able to look back and see goodness out of all that I've walked through in life. Even the hard times, the difficult struggles, and the times that I would just as soon forget about...God has allowed me to see some good in them. But right now, in my walk, I have some cleansing to be done. Yes, I do feel like I am in a desert, lonely, and quiet...But I am learning that in that desert there is only ONE who will provide water to drink, only one who will whisper into my ears, only one who can fill that place...and that is the one that has placed me here to learn...God is working on me.
I want to see you one day and have you see Him in me, through me, around me, and flowing from me...but I have some work to be done.
I love the Yahweh Sisters and this blog and I have missed blogging, and I hope that you can understand now where my time has been...Life is changing...Seasons come and go...Leaves fall off to prepare for the beauty that is to come...I want my Tree to have the Abundance of the Most Beautiful Leaves Blossoming in the next season to come in my life and in order for that to take place, some old leaves have to fall off...Some branches have to be cut...and it hurts, but I want others to enjoy looking at God's creation once He is done with it...I want them to be able to come sit underneath it and enjoy the shade of it, I want them to want to eat from the fruit that it supplies, and in due time...they will.
Thank you God, no matter how bad it may hurt and how hard it is to go through, for a cleansing and renewing of my spirit and inner man. There is so much about me that needs to be molded to be more like YOU.