Thursday, October 14, 2010

Christianity has become a very natural and beautiful complement to receive. It feels good for someone to look at you and say, "wow, I can really tell you are a Christian". But is it enough? There are lot of people who play a good "Christian" to the eyes of those who are watching, but I've noticed in my own walk that it has become something so much deeper. Sure, I love to be complemented, especially for others to see Jesus in me. But what am I like when noone else is looking? What do I do when the doors behind me are shut and noone sees me anymore? Who am I then?
I shared a week or so ago about my walk and where I am going with the Father, and some things within me that need to change...Well, just as one thing starts to soften, another comes right behind it. It was a busy weekend, as Robbie mentioned in a previous post, at the hospital. I was in charge with one patient one night, and two the next...and for anyone who does not a cardiac ICU in a level one trauma center, when you are in charge you shouldn't have patients. Well, that was not the case this weekend...all of the ICU charge nurses had patients. It can be very tiring and start to become so heavy to carry this load that I want to break...and sometimes I do. A few weeks back, I had to release myself from the chaos, go to the office, shut the door behind me, and cry. Sometimes I don't know how to react so I lose it and I either want to cry or yell.

What makes us get to this point? Where does the peace that Robbie mentioned earlier come from? Where does that trust and peace and patience and self righteousness and self control and goodness and love and joy and kindness go to in these times of chaos? Out the back door?
Because I believe that if these fruits were embedded within us, within me, that they couldn't leave me in these times of trouble. Sure others may be able to see God in me when I am bathing a patient and singing Amazing Grace in their room as I clean their back or when I hold the hand of a dying patient or a family member losing someone and ask them if I can pray with them. Sure my coworkers may see that I leave work after working a hard 12-13 hour night and drag myself into church because that is what "Christians" are supposed to do. Other units may see that I will go above and beyond to help them when the hospital is as busy as it was this past weekend and never swear or curse one time. Absolutely, they may see a glimpse of Him in the way that I respond to certain things and certain situations, but what do I look like when I'm pushed to the very edge?

I'm not a nice person...I want to throw my hands up, yell at the top of my lungs and then go hide in my room, with the door shut, and cry for hours until all of the "mess" is fixed.
I have to become more than just that "Christian" for the sake of a compliment. I want to be more than an outside Christian, wearing the Christian outfit of the day. I have to have the fruits of His spirit embedded so deep inside of tissues and organs that I vomit goodness and self control, that I cry tears of love and joy and peace, that I speak patience and kindness and self righteousness. I've said this many times, but I'm being faced with more and more that God needs to be inside of me, He has to be inside of me.
I feel like God gave me a revelation this past week. If you read a previous post of mine, I mentioned the comment about beauty and having God being seen from the outside because He was living so much within the inside of me that He flowed....well, I feel that He was showing me that once I begin to care about WHAT the outside looks like and I begin to take some "pride" (and I hate to use that word, but I pray that you see where I'm going with this) in what I look like from the outward appearance, then I will begin to have to change the inward to meet up. I will begin to want more of Him on the inside so that the outward will "look better". See, I'm one that could walk around all day in a t-shirt and sweat pants and no makeup and hair pulled back. But I need to freshen up a bit...put on some makeup, at least wash my hair and comb it, and be more "pleasant" to look at. But I begin to not care about the outward because I'm so focused right now on the inward, I'm working too hard on the inward. If I were looking in the mirror I would see that the outward isn't changing because I haven't started to care about that part.
Okay, I don't want to lose you...just know this. God wants to be more than a compliment that is payed to you. He wants you to be more than just in that "Christian" group of people. He wants to know you and spend time with you, and He wants to be with you when the door is shut and noone from the outside world can see within the walls of your house.
I want to leave you with to God this week. Spend some time evaluating your walk and your inward and outward appearance (and I'm not talking about beauty). Ask yourself where you are with the Father right now. Some of us need to bring God back into our lives and let Him encompass our life and our ways. It is about more than just being complimented, it is about really knowing God and finding His will and ways for your life.
In True Surrender to the One Who Can Break the Chains off and Change the Way I Look on the Outside and the Inside and Keep me out of the Wrong Group That I Want To be a Part of Just for the Sake of Being Complimented...It's So Much More Than That...There's So Much More To It....He's Worth So Much More...