Friday, May 28, 2010

Waiting for God................

Father, I come to you today BROKEN. I am tired. I can't do this anymore. I accept all the turmoil I have been through this last month as an opportunity to sit at your feet and depend on you. I have asked you before to burn off the impurities until you see your reflection in me. I had no idea it would hurt this much. But Lord I beg you don't stop!! Just do it. Burn it off. I am so sorry for allowing my flesh to win. I pray with all my heart for your forgiveness. Change me Lord, show me your ways. Burn off everything in me that is not of you. I am going to accept what you have for me and stop fighting you. I am sorry. I have felt you pulling at me while the battle is taking place inside of me. (Inner man vs. Outer man.) The struggle has been between the flesh and the Holy Spirit. It has been a raging war these last few weeks.
Thank you for loving us enough to burn off the impurities. Father strengthen us. I pray a blessing for whoever is reading this. I pray that this post helps just one person not to make the same mistakes I have made. We praise your precious name. Amen.

I felt I had to start out with a prayer before I could even speak about how deep the pit is I have been in this last month. I can't remember a time when it has been this bad. I truly have not received a break from LIFE lately. And I blew it while allowing my feelings to lead me. I have depended on myself and others to get me through it instead of God. I have felt like such a failure as a mother and a wife. I have struggled with the guilt and self-condemnation of my own failures. God has shown me that He is more concerned with why I am doing what I am doing rather than what I am doing. So why am I staying in the pit??? I am free!! I don't have to stay in the pit!! And neither to you. When Jesus died on the cross He set us free. We are no longer slaves to sin.

I went tuesday with a good friend fabric shopping. The last placed we stopped I knew we were going to be dealing with large rolls of fabric and decided to leave my purse in the car. I stuffed my purse as far as I could under the seat. My friends car had tinted windows with an alarm. I also left my I-phone in my purse in the car.
We shopped for around thirty to forty mininutes. While walking out to the car I could see glass everywhere and when we arrived to the car, we realized that her window was completely shattered and yes my purse was gone including everything in it.
I think this was the icing on the cake. It pushed me over the edge into the biggest darkest pit I have ever been in. This last month of everything that I had been through came crashing down on top of me in that dark deep familiar pit. I felt buried alive.
For two days I have walked around numb. At times feeling nothing. What a scary place to be.

So why is it so hard for me or for you to climb out of a pit of self pity? Why are my eyes focused on me and my circumstances? We are living in a time when it is all about us. (ME ME ME...)
God is still God. God still loves me no matter how much I fall into that old familiar pit. His love for you and for me is not affected by how we act and what we do!!! If He was affected, I would have been a goner a long time Doesn't that make you want to shout Praise God!!!!!

I have not trusted and I have not waited. Look at this beautiful verse: PSALMS 46;10, BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD....... Be still? Do we even know how to be still? Maybe God is stripping me of everything that distracks me from him. Not having a phone right now has allowed me some solutide time alone with God. In the car all I have is my thoughts in prayer with him. This could be a time when He is doing some of his best work in me or in you when we are in the pit of darkness.
LIFE can cause us to quickly lose our priorities. LIFE can cause us to disconnect from God himself and our purpose he has for us. The busier life gets the less time we have for our Father. I think I have simply become to busy being spiritual. I am so busy trying to be perfect. The perfect bible teacher. The perfect prayer warrior. The perfect student of God's word. But when all my stuff got stolen, I felt like I had lost my identity, I felt violated, because so much of me was in that purse. I know that may seem so trival to some but I was one of those women who carried everything in my purse. It was all about me. At times it was even a security blanket to me. I know I know WEIRD!! Sometimes we place such an importance on items. They become many idols to us. Ex. I-Phone!!!!!
God has shown me that the minute hard times come, I immediately start bargaining for God to rescue me. I even get angry at God for not making the person who violated me to evaporate when he touched my purse or explode or something. After all I work for the KING!!!! I wanted revenge!! Instant revenge. I felt like Jona!!!

I always thought I could handle being pounded by life. How wrong I was!! I came out of that pit on Tuesday swinging and scratching and clawing my way out like a rabid animal. I can't imagine what my friend thought who sees me preach and teach the word of God. She must of thought wow if that's one of God's spiritual leaders in the church, boy we are in trouble!!! I was ugly and wanted to just roll around in that ugly for a while. I felt I had earned it and I wasn't going to give it up easily. Trust me that flesh is strong>>>>>>
I have used up everything I had in me. It is gone. Maybe, just maybe for the first time in my life I am right where I am supposed to be. This could be part of the purification process by God himself. Remember that nothing is getting past Him when it deals with his children that He doesn't OK first. So the next time you find yourself in a deep dark pit. Don't fight it. Sometimes God will rescue us quickly other times He has something else for us to learn. He is at work in our lives. Don't make my mistake and depend on yourself and others. Don't use God as a last resort. You can't make demands on him. You have to come to him broken and DESPERATE. He is sufficient. Admit that you are helpless and in need of a savior. Praise him and let him be your strength when you are weak.

Learning to enjoy my solitude,