a river runs through

Why is it that I have been chosen to witness the dying? I can sometimes smell the stench...the stench of death......my 13 year old asked me tonight if I thought God was a little selfish?

I look at her the woman-child who has grown so beautiful and I think to myself:  "Have I failed you?"  "Where have I gone  wrong?" There were the days when I was living the tired all the time and I was short......the kind of short with the power of words.

Life is raw sometimes muddy sometimes dirty but it continues to flow until it reaches its destination..............flows until the clogged up part stops us like a road block stopping us- dead.............dead in our tracks.

"Living water,"............I keep going back to the well.....................the well of  "living.....living water."  

Genesis 21:19  

19 Then God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water. So she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink.

What am I giving to my girls to drink? Is it the living kind? The living water?

Doesn't the God who is omnipotent provide us with the water everywhere?

But how? how do I make myself and these teens drink? Drink from the well of living water?

How easily we forget in this life.......forget what God has done for us!   I am blinded but do I really want to see?  
 the tail spin of life..... the emptiness of it all................emptiness is what I feel when another looses their life? As I stand there in the door-way of  a hospital room to someone who is terminal and I feel the nothing......Is it the nothingness that I stay in because it's safe and I am protected from the caring.....because does it really matter anyway? Maybe I am wearing my nothingness to HIDE all my sadness............
Although the water is there...........you have to want it...........you have to want to drink of the living water.............you have to want to never thirst again...........God can and will show us the well.........but it is us who has to do the drinking.......in His generous grace..........He who is the living waters is offering........offering us a drink.......a taste of heaven.
Will we drink?

     Praying that I don't forget..... what God has done.......praying not to feel such emptiness - wanting to get rid of the emptiness ............even if it is all I know........and praying for me the wretched mama to stop trying to see through the eyes of reason..................I lay my hand on the woman-child and gently take her face into my hands and I remind her that God is a good God and his goodness is full of grace.................and that we are to cling to his goodness
and I gently whisper how can I help these girls that you have entrusted to me if I can't even see?
praying..............open the eyes of my heart Lord..........I want to see what you see!

all of grace,
Robbie



(a quiet repost, while Amy and I are in the ICU's today. Thank you for your grace)

Stillness

       A stillness before God.....................waking in the wee hours of the morning tired and worn out to the work that is never done. Is it just me who sometimes resents............resents my very own fleshing blood?     Grace I whisper............more please.............more of your grace............just to endure another day in this cycle of life that can seem so repetitive............ like "ground-hog," day.
     Where is it? I ask myself............the gratitude that I am supposed to feel in the mundane of the everyday life?

Me with my outstretched hand only for the taking... from the one who lived only for the dying for me.

      What does it feel like?  Simplicity?   As the earth keeps spinning.....and the people keep aching..........looking for the one true thing that could bring happiness. Am I simply missing it?  Missing the one true way to happiness-  which is simple- the old rugged cross.

      Who am I ? The woman with unclean lips..........praising the King with one lip and screaming at the kids with the other.   What must I do to please the Lord?
And in His word He so gently takes my hand and whispers............"follow me,"..............."abide in me."  Do I really want to be a disciple? To have to deny self daily? 
My heart is pumping...........palms sweating............I am a little girl again playing in the water hose at my grandmother's house..............under a tiny car-port that looked so big at the time.
Where did the time go?  Just as our days are the numbered...............so are the hairs on our head.
    Time is ticking...........and we are the waiting.........waiting to see the king.
No-one knows the hour nor the day but the seasons are upon us..............and what must we do? But SEEK............SEEK.......................SEEK with all of our hearts...........and God himself will show us!
He will show us what time it truly is!

Is is 5 minutes to midnight? And am I just sleepwalking?

     As fall is in the air have I lost it?........lost all sense of the seasons to come........life is bearing down on us now.........not letting up..........the aching is more and more with the changing of the seasons........I have lost the stillness in him.  Time is marching on........and I am no better than a nicely wound watch.  I just keep winding and moving forward in a time that the king of the universe is screaming.........stop, look and listen to me.
     Is the everything all around me just more important than him?     It is time for stillness.   Resting in him is the way.   All else is futile.  The one who rests in him is the one who will find their way........in a broken world.......simply by........slowing down........spending time with the "Great I AM."

     Sometimes stillness is when you will see His grace fall like the leaves on a fall day. The seasons are changing...........There is beauty from ashes........the vinedresser is pruning................. the branches need to bear much fruit.


And he shall be a sanctuary.
                                                   Isaiah 8:14


     Where is your place of stillness?............Your sanctuary?
Where in the turmoil of this life?  In the busy cares of our homes?  In the hurry and the confusion of our fast paced lives.......where shall our souls find the stillness........to simply pray?
   "He shall be a sanctuary,  closer to thee than breathing, nearer than hands or feet." At any moment during all the hurried day we can be hidden from all earth's eyes, and STILL from all the earth's craziness we call life! We only have to abide in him!

all is well,
Robbie
    




Slowing down a bit this season........less time in the era of technology. Need your prayers and grace please. thank you

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Life is sometimes messy

Sometimes I wonder how many posts can I write about what a mess I am? But it is the things that God himself is drawing me into.......Sometimes this thing we call "LIFE," can be exhausting.

Sometimes I lay in the dark and I pray...."How God?" How do I go on in this race of "life?" As I prepare to go back to work tomorrow the smell of death still haunts me? Last week a 35 year old who must have been battling her own demons... a person who is a mom? a friend? a sister? a daughter? took a drug that is so harmful that it blew her heart out. Why?   She was found on the floor by her drug-dealer friend not breathing? How long did this child lay there?  Where was her 10 and 14 year old children? The 14 year that won't come and see her mom on life support...... Did they see? Do they know what happened?  Life can be so messy at times. Sometimes I feel like I am only going through the motions, and at times even feeling numb with so much life and death all around me.. Our level one trauma hospital holds over 800 patients. and yet we have over 900 patients. Sometimes I want to run out and scream.....never returning to that place where Life gets messy.........where I know God has me.......While I am tending to this precious 10 year old the son of my patient...I hear the scream of a man at the top of his lungs: "GET A NURSE, SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME....."Then I hear the alarms that scream loudly onto the unit that something had gone terribly wrong, as I walk over to see if anyone needs any help I stop and see the man's son watching his dad take his last breath. As if I was moving in slow motion....seeing........10 people work frantically to save his life......(but God has other plans)...nurses who had cared for this man for days working on him with tears streaming down their faces screaming NO please NO not him......and this race called life comes to a STOP for another.
     my mind races forward in a thousand pictures at once, quietly praying; father please stand up in this boat and calm these storms.......gaze down upon us; "humans," and please help us save him.....but He doesn't why?
Hebrews 2:9;
 But we do see Jesus, who was made lower than the angels for a little while, now crowned with glory and honor because he suffered death, so that by the grace of God he might taste death for everyone.

    I started a new book last night that has helped me with my messy life........it is called "Somewhere More Holy"...............it is a must read; author; Tony Woodlief... He says in the first part of his book; what is it about us "Christians?" that we think God should be devoted to our earthly happiness!!!!! Why is it so hard for us to understand that God is so much deeper than that...This is a man who has been broken... He had a perfectly healthy child who at a very young age was diagnosed with a brain tumor.
He even quotes at one point that "he was the dog that returned to his own vomit"...how many of us can relate to that harsh statement? But yet he so gently reminds us that there is grace after sin......................So how do we go through this race bearing the moments of silence from God? How do we continue to believe in miracles as we stand by screaming out in pain please God stop this? Even in the weeks before, at work, where a young man in his early 30's comes out of the OR from brain surgery...a tumor....the kind that wraps its tentacles deep, into your vessels...with a wife who is expecting and a baby at home....Why? God where are you? or the man who is driving , and a teenager hits him and his life is forever changed....as I stand in the doorway of the entrance into his room in the ICU...as the doctor tells this 50 year man, "you will never walk again, you are paralyzed." Where? Where are you God?
 Grace does abound.....even in sorrow.......yet sometimes God is still even when we scream out please MOVE....now....he is quiet when we cry out "WHY?" Although God never fails us sometimes it can seem as though he does.
     I guess it truly depends on where your cards fall in this "life," or how you see it, feel it, and live it.
So why is it that I crave the easy? Do you crave the easy? Maybe being in the dark soul of the night leads us to the light. Maybe it makes us run to the light...
Isaiah 61: 3;and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
Beauty for Ashes.
Out of our suffering just maybe, we can and will create beauty too......and maybe in the pain we can start to praise Him.....After all He did suffer greatly for us to be dead to ourselves and alive in him.
Genesis 50: 20-21;
²⁰ You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. ²¹ So then, don’t be afraid.
  Eventually you and I will hear an answer.....maybe not the one we want but an answer.....sometimes it is as simple as: "it is not for us to understand"......When we are wounded,  He is wounded. He who suffered so much for us His children also suffers with each and every one of us.
So I humbly open up my hands today and very shyly with my eyes squinted tight so maybe it won't hurt, ask:   use me Lord, use me as you sit fit tomorrow.  I do feel like I am walking into the Lion's Den, when I am walking into that Hospital (a different kind from Daniel's) but one that can devour me just the same... I commit myself to your hands...use me Lord.
humbly His,

all is grace,
Robbie

The Cross

I have always heard that salvation is free it costs you nothing but to pick up your cross and follow Jesus will cost you everything.
Maybe your even wondering what this little saying means:
You can be a believer without carrying a cross, but you cannot be a disciple!
     Jesus' army is all VOLUNTEER! Not all Christians carry crosses. I know we have all seen hypocrites in churches, workplace, etc. A lot of Christians have opted to live their life for them with lots of material gains. And I am sure that many of them will make it to Heaven. But will they really know Christ?   If Jesus is the gate then He is our only access to God. (Christ is our protector!)
     We will have to carry our own crosses until we learn to die our flesh daily! Remember the flesh and the Holy Spirit cannot co-habitat. One will bow down to the other. The flesh is strong it will not give in easily. Look at this scripture:
Matthew 16:24: Jesus said to the disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny HIMSELF and take up his cross and follow me.

Back in those days Crucifixion was a common Roman method of execution. Criminals had to carry their crosses through the streets to the execution site. So to follow Jesus was a true commitment that could even mean death. In this day and time in the world as we know one day it may mean death to us as well. After looking at scripture and listening to some sermons from different pastors; I found something very interesting. Jesus could not carry his own cross the whole way and neither can we. That finding was amazing to me. It made so much more sense to me. He became to weak physically from being tormented, I can't believe I never noticed this. The bible doesn't tell us how far Jesus carried it but it does tell us that Simon the Cyrene picked it up and carried to the site where the Crucifixion would take place.
This gives me amazing hope that Jesus knows that our crosses are going to weigh us down at some point and we will not be able to continue on our own strength. So you see he already knows that not one single one of us can pick up our cross and carry it on our own. So he asks us to pick up our cross and follow him, he knows we can't do it alone, he knows he is going to help us. He is fully aware of the agony, the helplessness, and the burden the cross can cause. Look at the verse:
John 15:5 apart from me you can do nothing.
     It is not by our might, power or strength, but by his power. So when you start to struggle with your own cross remember that the Bible says his strength is made perfect in our weakness.

struggling with my cross,

Robbie


(asking for grace this week, working 3 straight days in ICU....tired.)

Weekends are for refueling

May your weekend be one of refueling, and

being open to let him replenish you with his grace.

Only He can establish in you peace and joy.

Cling to him.

Rest in him.

Leave every concern entirely to Him.

Refuel........recharge............. simply ABIDE in Him..............remember your name is engraved in His palm.

Your soul and body are redeemed by His blood.

all is grace,

because He is our perfect peace.

Robbie

wreckless and seeking

Do not forget in the darkness what you have been promised in the light.

"Praying is no easy matter. It demands a relationship in which you allow someone other than yourself to enter into the very center of your person, to see there what you would rather leave in the darkness, and to touch there what you would rather leave untouched."

Henri Nouwen

It all happens so easily......rough days several in a row and I forget......... it is me who has been called by the most high to see suffering...............the kind that breaks you.......leaves you feeling bare and exposed. Your heart peeled back a couple of layers............the layers where the flesh is fresh and the wounds hurt.  Yes I ask myself WHY? Why do I do this.........even at times putting myself in danger when the contaminated blood flies high? 

It is then that I hear it in my heart............I do it for JESUS!

 Is it that I FORGET?  Forget WHY I am doing it? I think sometimes WOW it would have been so nice to be called to be a Beth Moore!! lol

But instead..........HE called me to be the one to wipe the vomit and the feces off the floor and the patient........He called me to take care of the HIV patient who is having seizures and throws punches and his own blood at me!!!!! Yes and for a moment I do forget...........forget who it is that I really am?

²⁹ For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him, (Philippians 1:29)

I do it for Jesus.........because He himself came and did it for me! He being God himself made himself nothing but a humble SERVANT.

Servant= discipline= obedience= "disciple"

Obedient.............even to his death hanging on a cross.

Who am I? I am called.........to be a servant to the ones that sometimes the world rejects

and when I am scared...........when you are scared breath...............breath in more of his grace.....and just say His name.............JESUS.........the only name that matters.

When the contaminated blood started to fly..........the fear that enveloped me............he was in real danger of hurting himself......... at 200 or more pounds and 6 foot 4...........I was in real danger too.

It was then that I looked at the other nurse helping me....she was holding one of his arms with half of a restraint left and me with the other it was then I said start SINGING...................sing Jesus loves me!

And so we did......and within seconds the patient stopped..................stopped trying to fight us and closed his eyes and listened to us sing. We had to keep singing until help arrived (and let me just say I can't carry a tune !!!!)

So knowing that in this life that there can be dark places.................. places we have been led and sometimes it is in those dark places where the fear tries to stand up and grab you but if you listen closely you just might hear Jesus whisper......................"the one who has called you is faithful."

And it is then that I realize instead of asking," who am I really?" or "what on earth am I doing?"..........it is time to ask myself...........am I WILLING?................WILLING TO GO?

where the Lord's plans take me? Even if it puts my life at risk?

Love................is the greatest commandment of all................LOVE EACH OTHER!

When you love the unlovable you are loving Jesus.

When you feed the hungry you are feeding Jesus.

When you cloth the one who has the nothing...........you cloth Jesus.

God is asking US to share to the world where sometimes people have never felt LOVE or don't feel loved now due to diseases............illnesses................disfigurements.

How much............how much can we the one's who blend in with the world show LOVE to those who know no love?

all is grace,

Robbie

blessed...

                          

     The other day I had downloaded a new app to my phone that is The Message Bible.  I love this version of the bible because it makes it easy to read it in "our" language. I like to read my Today's New International Version, but sometimes when things are confusing for me, I love to go to The Message version and read it in that version.  So, today as we sat on the bed I "opened" up my app to The Message and began to read Matthew 5. 

The whole chapter is one of my favorites in the bible, but there was one scripture today that really stood out.

Matthew 5:10 "You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution.  The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom."

I know that I want to go deeper into God's kingdom, so I began to dissect the scripture.  What does it mean to be committed?  And then, what does it mean to "provoke persecution"?

I began to search through commentaries to find root words and read some other interpretations. 

I came upon one commentary that broke the scripture down in more of an explanatory sense. 
This is how this particular scripture was described...."Christians are a people who seek peace, but they expect persecution because their character stands so frighteningly different than the rest of the world" (http://www.atone.me/).

The Today's New International Version reads "Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

Righteousness means "right standing with God".

The Greek word for persecution is dioko/diogmos, which in this scripture verse means to bring to judgment or punishment.

It is normally not natural to want to be persecuted, to want to be judged or punished for our actions...BUT do our actions give us the reward of the Kingdom of God? 

What I want to leave with you today is that we must be committed, willing to give it our all, stick it out even through the tough times, and be entirely sold out to God.  And in return we may get poked fun at, called names, even beaten for our beliefs, but there is a promise that makes it all worth it...God's kingdom.  He deserves our all.

I love spending time with my children and especially time where we can read the word of God and talk about it.  But it is scriptures like these that really encourage and direct us (and for our teen population today there is a lot of direction that needs to be given)....but this is not just for them...it is for all of us.  There is direction in this chapter in Matthew that helps guide us, answers questions that lurk in the back of your head, and that allows us to be transformed through the studying and seeking of the one who created them...(we must) meditate on His law day and night (Psalm 1:2).

If you have children I encourage you to read the bible with them, spend time breaking it down and explaining so they can understand it.  If you are married, spend time with your spouse reading the word and sharing thoughts with each other.  If you are single, spend time reading and digging into the scriptures finding the definitions of those words that you sometimes overlook for lack of knowing the true meaning. 

His word is here to guide us, strengthen us, restore us, change us to become more like Him....we must open it for these things to happen.

I pray for God's word (whatever scripture, whatever chapter, and whatever interpretation) to become alive in you today...to penetrate deep down to the core of your heart and take residence there...to bring you to change in your life and in your walk...to bring you joy and happiness in the searching of it and seeking of Him through it.  I pray for us all to be transformed into His image through the change that will occur in the studying of His word and the seeking of His face.

Read His word...

Seek His face...

Commit to Him...

Withstand persecution...

Be blessed...

 

                                                     

Jennifer