His Last Day on Earth

It is hard to explain the feeling I felt when I had learned that one of our patients had died that night. I have over the years built a wall around my emotions towards illness and death- I guess as a way to protect my sanity. I'll take you back a few days to explain that this man was different, this would change me.
It was a busy day as usual in the CCU. One of our nurses asked if I would pull a sheath for her. I agreed. I gathered the necessary items needed for this. This procedure usually takes about 20-30 minutes. To avoid an uncomfortable silence, I made small talk. Well that small talk was huge. I started with the usual, " Are you OK?". He begin to tell me that whatever happened, he knew that it was in  God's hands. I agreed that once  he laid his illness/disease at the foot of the cross, it was out of his control. He begin to quote scripture after scripture the whole time. Tears were rolling down my face and his. I told him that I was wiping snot on my sleeves, and that if I moved my hand from his artery, to wipe my nose and eyes, that he would bleed a lot. He didnt even stop talking, just give me more of Jesus. His family walked in during the conversation, and his wife and mom started crying. I had let my guard down. I felt weak. He had told me that before I left his room, that God had sent me to him. That I was an angel. I quickly corrected him, stating that I was often the devil, especially at home. He then corrected me and said that I was wrong. As I promised him that I would be back tomorrow, I felt he starring through me. Almost as if his spirit was looking at mine.  I cant explain it. Almost a feeling that was not from this world. A Peace. A Hope.
The next day was extremely busy, and that peace was not with me. I was surrounded by complaining people. I avoided his room the whole day. But at the end of the day, I saw that he was transferring to another room, a stepdown room. I felt and almost was forced to go into his room. He was up in the chair. I looked at him and his family. He had a silly grin and never said a word. I told him that he would be fine, that God was in control and he would take care of him. His wife said that she would keep  me updated with his condition. But he never said another word to me. I felt like I had let him down. Just the day before we had so much fun talking about Jesus. What had happened? The next morning I was getting report. The night nurse told me of an rapid response, When an ICU nurse assists the floor nurse with an emergency. She went on to explain that the rapid reponse turned into a code and that it was a patient that we had just the day before. When I was told a little bit more, I knew who it was. It was him. His wife had told the doctors that 24 hours before he died, he talked about Jesus non stop. That he just recited scriptures over and over. His wife knew that he was starting his transititon to Holy Ground. I still feel guilty that I didnt go in his room and sit with him. He saw in me something that I dont understand. I think he saw Jesus in me. I want to think that Jesus used me that day. I hope so.
My prayer today is that God uses me to build his kingdom. That I would disappear, so that he would be exhaulted on high.
Make a difference today.
Amy

Friday Night..................the unexpected

In the quiet and still of the morning the phone call knocks the breath right out of me.......................

The cross that gives and takes away...................

My girls when they were little............the time that want stand still...........

A best friend...........(the blond my oldest)...................

My middle child...............how time changes everything................

     At the 1:30am the phone rings.............I sit straight up....... the ringing continues..........I wipe the eyes that are blurry......I answer my heart pounding right out of me............. the screaming from the other side can barely make it out..............then something inside of me says breath child............breath......knowing its the breathing in of pain that gets us....................and then it hits me........................she is on my front porch....................I jump up and start the running.........it feels like I can't get there............I am moving in slow motion...............all the while I am praying................no God no........more of the easy...............just the easy.............I can't get the locks to undo and I realize it is me the taker the one who craves the easy that has  completely come undone.........

I open the door and pull her inside at the same time catching her before she collapses...........the best friend........thanking God that all mine are here in the upstairs sleeping...........the wailing the deepest kind..........the pain that engulfs.............

a 16 boy in my daughter's class......a baseball player......................loss control of his car............the innocent kind...........the pain that no mom should bear......................just a few miles from my house .................the over-turned kind........ the man-child that got out and walked before collapsing in a neighbors yard.....................the breath leaving him............the high-school that will never be the same.................

What does it mean? To live fully?

How? How do I explain to teens that He is a good God?

What do I say when they ask me where was God?

the best friend ..................not sure of the God thing..........but has chose to come on Thursday nights..............the woman-child........... who has lost a friend unable to breath......... the pain................... how do we wake up to the joy and the beauty in this life when a police officer is on the front porch of a neighbor telling her that her son will never come home again......................the emptying again.................the crushing ache of the pain that forces us to move on................................how?

I don't sleep the rest of the night............I lay there listening to my own breathing................fear rushes over me....................I go numb..........................a parent..............a child.......................why have I been so spared.......................me who craves the easy and when I pray it's all about the me.........and my own........in my safe little middle-class life style.................throwing the prayers at God like He some kind of dart board......................my eyes that are blinded always focused on the me..............and mine........................

We the church are supposed to be the light of the world.......................but yet we are covered up with materialism.............. the false doctrine.............the feel good kind............

we go through life and pretend that it is what it is.........................................we think if it isn't happening right under our roof then we can continue to live the counterfeit life.........

Satan doesn't care how many bible studies I teach.......................or how many spiritual retreats I attend.......if it keeps me on that spiritual treadmill to nowhere................running in place................wanting the look good on the outside......and the feel good on the inside.................

.it's the time.............time to stop the whining.........it is not all about me........there are people the dying kind..........that do not know our King.................

we sit in the dark....................we breath in the pain......................................the both of us trying.................trying to exhale.........................and I whisper to the woman-child..............go upstairs and sleep...................................tomorrow will bring forth change...................the surrendering kind.............where the knees are bowed the  low......................and all I can hear within my soul is a whisper ever so gently saying:

     27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.   ( John 14:27)



quietyly thanking God;
for a chance to start over
for His grace and mercy
simplicity
teenagers that slam the front door
the Cross
the blood that covers sin
grateful that His ways are not our ways..........

Weekends are for love.........................

Take a hold of God's gracious gift this weekend.................LOVE.......The power of His love will include us if we just simply let go and take hold........................

May all your wanderings this weekend be one of Love..........................

Beloved............let us love one another..............for love is from God....................and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God............................1 John 4:7

There is no fear in love.........................but perfect love casts out fear............1 John 4:18
all of grace,
Robbie

MARANATHA.....................

Paul tells us in Romans.......8:17-23......"I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

The cry of the universe should be "MARANATHA........" which means........................."OUR LORD, COME!!!......................come quickly Lord Jesus come................

This word is of Aramaic orgin....and it occurs only once in the Bible.................Paul includes it in his climactic conclusion to his first letter to the Corinthian Church...............(1 Corinthians 16:22).....

"The Maranatha Group"...............................The teen bible study I started a couple of weeks ago and they named themselves the "The Maranatha Group"...................

Every Thursday at 6pm a group of high school girls come and empty themselves of the world.........they read the scripture together and we pray for the strength to sustain them through the weekend..............the weekend of the hard choices...............the choices to not drink of this world...........................and to avoid filling themselves with the empty........we talk about Evie and how it all started at the garden of good and evil..................and how Evie listened to the lies of the enemy...............and then I beg and plead for them to run for lives from the taunting...............the taunting lies of Satan............repeating his same old tricks................. your never going to be good enough.................and God doesn't really love you............................

Genesis 3:5 (English Standard Version)

5For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil."
From the beginning just like Evie we want more............never satisfied with what we have.....................and in an instant................we bite..................and our lives are never the same..................we are filled............filled with the temporary............................the temporary happiness...........of the world................a world that says you can have it all....................and you can have it your way......................................
We talk about the grace....................God's grace..............and how He endured the cross......we talk about the Joy that endures from the cross....................................that means eternity...........we talk about how it is free..................free choice...............that He has chose to give...........................they know it and they want it......but they choose...................another way........a harder way..................a way that leads to the quick fix..............the quick feel good...............then the quick empty....................the rejection of the empty promises...............intoxicated by this world.........they say the yes to God and the Christian thing...............but really meaning the no...................................with a hunger remaining.......for the things of this world...........................
 

I bake them brownies..........and light a candle for prayer................

We close with the forever.......................the forever meaning..............surrender................surrendering to God...............like the woman at the well...........................knowing if they just drink from the living waters.............they will never be alone.................the forever meaning.....................no more pain......................the forever meaning...................no more tears..........the forever meaning no more rejection............................the forever meaning..............JOY................JOY COMETH FROM THE LORD...........happiness is only circumstantial................but JOY...........................IS FOREVER..................... 

Golgotha-Skull.............................

Watchful eyes seem to peer from the rock overlooking the Garden tomb, evoking the meaning of the name Golgotha.......SKULL.....

Mark 15:22-23;

22 They brought Jesus to the place called Golgotha (which means “the place of the skull”). 23 Then they offered him wine mixed with myrrh, but he did not take it.

The suffering.........with a pure and willful heart.................feeling the pain of every thorn.......with every cut....suffering which He has chosen.....all for the LOVE.....the love for us....................getting ready....ready to taste death for everyone...............by His stripes we are truly healed............................
and I whisper quietly to myself.....grace................grace.....................God's amazing grace.....................the blood.........the blood with power to cover us all..................redemptive blood.....................the kind that is paid in full.........................struggling today with the ugly of who I am.................feeling the heaviness.....
why is it that I so graciously bow out of the mercy???  Is it my belief? Oh help me Father with my unbelief...............................
2 Corinthians 5:21;
For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

     ...me a sinner who was born blind but wants to see....me who needs the emptying this lent season...
me that can't die to self..............................me the taker whispers more please......more of God's grace.........self denial.......................the only way to feel God's grace.........
 humility is what leads us to the death.....the death of self.........knowing we are dead in Christ!!!!!
The waking up ......the being born again.........................the wanting to live......................the wanting to see..........but the need to sink first............sink hard................sink down into that nothingness....................... to a humbleness..................................more please..............more of your grace..............your forever forgiving grace............God so ever more whispers...............my grace is here for the humbling....................only the humble will see......................

It takes a little imagination to see the "eyes," of the skull on this rocky place..........the garden tomb behind the fence, only a few yards away..............

Skull Hill...is the site where the Crucifixion took place and now contains a bus station and a Muslim cemetery.......................this would have been a perfect spot due to the height for the execution which could be seen by everyone..................The site also has additional meaning.....for the Jerusalemites of Jesus' day......A cave on the slope of Skull Hill, now inside of a mosque, preserves an ancient legend..............The prison where Jeremiah was thrown by King Zedekiah's officials in order to stop him from preaching the impending doom of the Babylonian conquest.....(Jeremiah 37:15)

Is it true....am I ready........ready for the dying of me...................I keep breathing.............me who says I am Christian....in reality I am the walking dead......................only alive in Christ.....................its all about the heart......................the new kind that can pump the real life right into you...................

Matthew 5:8;

God blesses those whose hearts are pure....for they will see God..........................

I want to see God...................with those nail scarred hands clapping........................"WELL DONE, MY GOOD AND FAITHFUL SERVANT...." WELL DONE..............................

me who is blinded by my own...............................me who is seeing with my own eyes instead of the seeing through His eyes...............................

praying for God to open the eyes of my heart,

Robbie

Let us not forget.........................the blood

(the most profound video I have ever seen.....Please scroll all the way to the bottom and mute our music first....and really listen during this lent season....and watch what our God really did for us......)
     Why did you do it? Why did you not come down from that cross......sin is ugly....the taking of sin from the whole world was like taking a slap in the face from satan himself......is it because He saw us in the crowd.......our faces......his face............people in need......in need of a redeemer......sheep....in need of a shepherd.........

The Crown........

 The crowd swells with hunger......with a thirst for BLOOD..........it will devour anything that gets in its way......

They weave a crown from throny branches from a near-by tree.............

They stick it to his head.....it pierces His brow and scalp.........then they begin there ridicule of him, "Hail, you King of the Jews!"..............they strike him.....they spit on him........then they strip him.....
then they lead him to crucify him..........
        FORGIVE.........................forgive and you will be forgiven....condemn not and you will not be condemned............judge not and you will not be judged.............
      
      Why did you do it? Why? ......in my quiet time this morning God showed me WHY?.........the answer so deep but yet so simple.......BLOOD..............................only by BLOOD alone can God and man be brought into a convenant fellowship......without it.....................there would be no access...........................by sinful man to a Holy God.......................................................
     No approach to God................no fellowship with Him by faith................no enjoyment of His favor, apart from the blood..............................only through His death and the shedding of His precious blood is our life truly consecreted to God............................the hidden value in this amazing sacrifice........is SELF-SACRIFICE......................self-denial he so gently whispers again into this stone cold heart of mine........
              taking in of the breath I breath and I say again the BLOOD..................
wanting the easy.......yet the God of Grace................the God who is omnipotent...............who could have so easily..........got down off that cross...................but he didn't........ he who CHOSE........so freely...to self-deny....to self-sacrifice.....to let His BLOOD fall..............fall like grace......the God who chose the hard....................instead of the easy................
 never knowing......... the power............. of that cross......... until we give up self......................give up our lives..........................
        the taking in of today ........the power of the BLOOD.............let us not forget..........
wanting change bad................down deep................the blood is dealing with me.................what is the blood seeking to remove.....................me with my worldly self................me who feeds the flesh............who craves the easy..................me the taker.............................................the blood is seeking.....................................seeking to become SPIRIT, LIFE, POWER, and TRUTH in our lives...........................seeking to make us one..............................one with the Father...................

Breathe On Me Now - Kathryn Scott